Wardrobe Cuts

I spent Monday evening making wardrobe cuts. I felt like a reality show judge. "Sorry Brown Sweater, you did not make the cut. All the other clothing will be traveling to Buenos Aires except for you". Brown Sweater, green shirt and others will be donated. I had made two previous cuts; tonight was the final cut. My intentions were to leave no clothing behind, but I had a change of heart... (embarrassed to say this)..but I can't part with my first greatful dead tie die tee-shirt that's soft from so many washings and two college sweatshirts. My justification is that they bring me joy. They just aren't practical to take with me, so they will stay at home in a box awaiting my returned visit.

I'm only taking two large suitcases with wheels on the bottom. I'll also have a leather backpack with my laptops, medicines, 6 months of contacts, a book or two and a change of clothing in case my luggage gets lost.

I'm not planning on taking many winter clothes, just a few. By the time winter rolls around I'll be there for 7 months. Hopefully someone will come and visit (and bring some sweaters for me?) or I hope to be doing enough with money that I can go out and buy a few winter pieces.

Not looking forward to Buenos Aires

I'm not looking forward to Buenos Aires.
This isn't a bad thing, but rather a good thing. For the first time in my life I'm enjoying the present to the fullest.

This past summer I read obsessively about Buenos Aires. I wanted to know everything I could about the city, the life, the people, the food. I didn't stop thinking about my travels and I wished for the present time to fly by. I wanted to hit a fast-forward button and be there. All that time I was not living in the present, instead I was living for the future.

Now that my future is almost here, I'm truly enjoying the present. I'm enjoying American food more, (I'm not such a big fan to start with), I'm enjoying time with my friends even more, I enjoy salsa more than ever and I am even enjoying work (except after a long night of salsa).

I always look towards the future, while working towards a goal. This is the first time in my life that my future is out of my hands, I've done my work, I've laid the foundation by researching B.A. to the fullest & I have a plan in place once I get there. So at this moment...there is nothing else I can do... I'm enjoying the present.

uninhibited

lately i've been feeling uninhibited and others around me are feeling it too.

When I tell acquaintances I'm moving to Argentina they light up, congratulate me with sincere enthusiasm and tell me positive things about myself; like "you have done so much for our organization, thank you for your energy and commitment". It's nice to hear these things, I just wish I could space all these positive compliments over a years time, nevertheless I'm appreciative of their well wishes and positive energy.

as for me being uninhibited. where do i begin? i'll start on the salsa floor. can't believe i'm sharing this...let me start by saying i tend to be conservative, i like my space and i don't like to get close and 'sexy' with salseros...ok i lie, i like to get close to one. any way, lately, i have no care, i feel no restraint and i must say it feels really good. i'm out there on the floor, feeling the music, being swung around and then held in tightly and spun around in a close embrase. i almost wish i would have been uninhibited my last 2 years of salsa. it's more fun this way.
 
i started seeing my dominican again. he holds my attention. i know the relationship will not develop instead its a mire escapade. this relationship feels unrestrained; we know where each other stands and there are no expectations. we both know it will end in the coming weeks... When I'm with him I feel like i can abandoned my shell and i'm just me. i'm not trying to put on a good impression and i don't mind the possibility of making a fool of myself. There is nothing to lose, i will never see him again. i almost wish i could feel this way in every relationship.  
 
at work i find myself telling people my true, undisguised thoughts. i'm not saying anything offensive or disrespectful, but since i know i'm leaving, i say what's on my mind and i don't worry about stepping on toes. i feel free of social restrictions that i cast on myself.

what's going through my head

One more post before bedtime
Making this move feels right.  I don't have doubt, I know I'm doing what is right for me. However, I do have some fear; naturally.  My biggest fear is getting mugged.  (I just smirked, not sure why)  

I'm a safety queen.  I never park in dark places, never park in parking garages alone and I always have a friend walk me to my car when I'm in the city at night.  I'm sure I'll be fine, but it's something I read is common in B.A (I guess it's common in every big city, no?).

the goal 05.05.08

While going through some binders, I came across a journal that I sometimes write in.  I flipped through the pages and noticed what I wrote on May 05, 2008.  

"it is my goal that by the end of October I will move somewhere outside of the U.S"

Standing tall

A favorite author of mine was turned down 15 times until his first book was published. 15 times!!! I’m glad he didn’t let failure get in his way; he persisted. Hearing a story like kept me going. I knew that if I wanted something enough I needed to keep getting up after being knocked down.

Being knocked down…
After college, grad school and my first job, I started to make some attempts to move abroad. Not many people know this but, I was accepted to graduate school in Sweden in 2007. I was elated to find out the news. I was one of twenty that were chosen out of 450 applicants. I turned down the offer. There were a couple reasons for this; one was that I was scared to accrue more student debt. Six months later I got an interview at Maersk. The position was in Denmark. I was truly on a high the day I went on the interview. I thought my dream was finally coming through. Instead I got the ‘thanks but no thanks' email. I felt crushed again. It took me a little longer to get up after this defeat. My next attempt came 5 months later. I applied for a position within my company. The job description fit perfectly and it was in the only international department in the company. My fingers toes legs and arms were all crossed. I wanted this job so badly. A month passed and I unraveled once again. I was told that I was in the top two for the job. The hiring manager gave me great compliments but I didn’t hear them. All I heard was that I didn’t get the position and that I failed again.

Failure is a good thing
At some point during this period of failure I heard a man’s story on NPR. He started off by wishing his granddaughter failure. Yeah, I was shocked too! But he then went on to say that when he’s successful at his job it’s because he’s treading on familiar ground, but when he fails it’s because he did something he never did before and with that he learns from it.

For a while I wasn't sure if I would make this move. I was afraid I wouldn't get up after the next failure. I'm truly happy that my persistence has paid off. I'm standing tall and I'm ready for the next failure because I know with it, it will bring success.

removable things-gone

cars and phones and diamond rings
Bling, bling
Those are only removable things
And what about your mind
Does it shine or
Are there things that concern you more
Than your time

Gone going
Gone everything
Gone give a damn
Gone be the birds when they don’t want to sing
Gone people
All awkward with their things
Gone
~Jack Johnson

Today at work I was updating our website. It's more of a process I go through, rather than actual coding, which means it doesn't take too much thinking on my part; I've done this same process for the last 2 years. I digress. While working on the monthly website update I'm listing to my Jack Johnson CD. The song "Gone" came on...

I'm not a music person; I rarely listen to the words. I dated a musician when I was 18 and when he found this out (I don't listen to the words) I think I saw his heart break in front of me, he never looked at me the same. I felt guilty about this, but I now accept that this is just a part of who I am.

For some reason, today, I heard the lyrics for the song "Gone". The song's words seem to have spoken to me about my current struggle with giving up my stuff.

For me, I'll admit, I get caught up in materialism. I feel like I'm always competing to have a better car, I want nice jewelry(although I have none), name brand trendy clothes, purses, shoes, nice electronics like a plasma tv, an apple computer, gps, iPod, bigger apartment or a house. I feel conflicted, because if I really wanted these things I could go out and buy them, but I don't. It's not me (ok, I did buy the gps because I'm directionally challenged. I believe it saves me money on gas; that's my justification anyway).

Maybe I have a hard time giving up my stuff because I feel like if I don't own stuff, than I'm "poor". I'll feel like I won't fit in with society or the norm because I won't have anything to show my worth. The 80% of me (that I talked about in my last post) tells me giving up all my stuff will be a freeing & cleansing experience.

I can never put a price tag on my Sweden experience, but my iPod will be worthless in the next two years.

So, what do I want? Who am I? Do I want belongings or do I want an experience?

I'm coming to terms...
Gone with my belongings. They're all removable things, this new experience will not be removable it will always stay with me...but it sure will feel like some bling bling to me.

80/20

I think my desire to live abroad is hard-wired into my curltural genetic code.

Looking at the probability. I'm 80% confident that this move will occur. The 20% got to me last night. Next weekend I'll be finished with my classes and I'll be certified to teach English as a foreign language. The following weekend I'll be attending a wedding. Then.... I can start mapping my plan!

Among other things I will begin to sort though my belongings. What should I keep, sell, give away, throw away? The sell, give away, throw away part makes me a little nervous.

Logically thinking, I don't want or need 90% of my belongings. Much of it collects dust. Emotionally thinking I want to save everything because what if. What if I need my college spiral notebooks a some point? What if I want to read my favorite novel for the 3rd time? What if ....

This afternoon, while walking through my office, feeling a little anxious about giving it all up, I told myself "well, than don't do it, stay here".

That idea freigtens me even more.